Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Random Thoughts: (My)Sign of Aging..

i don't usually share these kind of thoughts but today, i feel like sharing something that's bothering me for quite some time.

one of my closest friends just added another year to her age today but just a few months ago, the father of one of my closest friends died.

the thoughts about "death" overwhelms my mind. i began getting too worried about the things i have no control of. i start asking myself "what ifs". my curiosity about my "end" and how my death would turn out felt like growing and growing each day. I don't want to feel any pain while dying but i don't want to just disappear in a split of a second either. and believe me, i know I'm creating my own nightmare!

so, i looked back at my past and saw the wonderful things i always had, the people who made me become ME...my family and friends. perhaps i'm a grown up now that's why losing someone who had been part of my life becomes one of my greatest fears.

i remember when i was younger... when someone dies, i used to wonder why people have to cry? they should've been celebrating instead because the soul already goes to God and the no more pain, right? 

as a child, i never ever wanted going to funerals, be it a relative or a family friend or a neighbor... because i don't really care plus i'm a kid you know! scared of ghosts and somehow afraid that the dead person in coffin becomes a zombie and eat us all... too much horror movies i guess..

eventually, i apprehended why the loved ones of those who passed away cries mournfully at one corner for a very long time... 

we love to wait for our birthdays when we were young, mainly because of the presents and parties. we also love the idea of growing up. we can't wait to be the person we want to be. now, i honestly admit, i hate the fact that another year will add up to my age year after year after year because it feels like im getting closer to my deathbed. there is no turning back! and so from now on, i should atleast have One Good (and it must be really, really good) reason to say "i am now prepared to meet angel of death face-to-face and praise God in his kingdom eternally".

i still hate going to funerals though, not that i am scared of the dead turning into a zombie but because i hate seeing somebody i know or used to know lying inside the coffin, breathless. understanding the sorrow of people who were left behind makes me feel more scared of death actually, it is emotionally depressing.

oftentimes, i have difficulty giving condolences to those who are mourning because i know it wont ease the pain, knowing that their lives won't ever be the same again. how much sympathy life could offer after the tragedy? just wondering...

sometimes i think they'd(my loved ones) rather die ahead of me, so they will not feel the agony that i will be going through when they pass away... i'd rather be the one crying...i'd rather be the one asking "why?"

as we age, let's not worry about our wrinkles, gray hair, hair loss or anything that doesn't really matter...let's worry about how we could make earth the best place for those who we are going to leave behind.

Keep on loving, understanding and inspiring others to do the same.

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